ABC: Fox, you and everyone on your network is a whore! FOX: Yeah, so?

It has been said that the pen is mightier than the sword, and if there’s one thing publicists, celebrities and high level executives have been afraid of throughout time, it is the media. With one stroke of the quill, or key, corporate behemoths have been brought to their knees, stars have been made and broken, and little mom and pop restaurants have been turned into major chains or bulldozed for parking lots. Truly, journalism is a powerful weapon and every major network is armed to the teeth with magazine shows, nightly news programs, and companion 24-hour cable news networks.

But what happens when you take your cannon of truth and aim it directly at another network? That’s when you get Primetime specials like ABC’s “Fallen Idol” which came across the air and through the tubes last night. All of these major newsmagazines like “Dateline” and “20/20” have been prone as of late to reporting on important subjects like the fascinating relationship between Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears’ new CD’s, and why the actors who play the main characters on their respective networks’ primetime shows are the most amazing people on the planet. Because of this trend, it wouldn’t seem out of the ordinary for ABC to encourage John Quinones to prostitute his persona as a “journalist” to break the very important story of how a twenty-two-year-old nobody “American Idol” contestant managed to get in Paula Abdul’s pants in the guest room of her palatial Hollywood mansion.

ABC has a large stake in trying to destroy “American Idol” since their golden child “Lost” has to compete for the timeslot. ABC is lucky it is in a competitive position at all since they have been the bastard stepchild of television for longer than anyone can really remember. Now they finally make it onto the radar with “Lost” and “Desperate Housewives” and they decide to take on the grand-daddy of all current reality shows. Shouldn't they compete by making a better show to go up against it? No, that costs money. And after all, that’s what the news is for. Clearly firing their weapon of journalism from Burbank deep into the heart of Century City will bring Ryan Seacrest, Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, and any number of Fox executives to their knees in defeat. But ABC is up against an insurmountable match as Fox has already learned the lesson that ABC either doesn’t know or refuses to admit - people across America are attracted to scandal, not deterred, and they will eat it up as long as you keep feeding it to their hungry minds.

I wouldn’t be surprised to see “American Idol’s” numbers go through the roof this week since now it has an air of being “the bad kid,” and who wouldn’t want to tune in to see what kinds of unscrupulous behavior they will engage in next? Hell, we have three opportunities a week and we wouldn’t want to be the only people at work to not see that footage of Ryan Seacrest with the overweight, shaved-head kid in the dressing rooms! And what about “Lost?” We can be pretty sure they’re still not going to tell us what the hell they’re doing on that island, or what’s in the hatch, or what Kate did that was really so bad.

The reason that news networks not only get away with but profit heavily from airing fluff pieces about celebrities and their sex lives is because they are driven by the almighty dollar. Where does the dollar come from? Advertising. Why do people advertise on networks? Because they can see how many people are watching. As long as people keep watching, they’ll keep putting this stuff on the air.* But ABC should have known better because in two weeks we’re not going to remember who it was that aired the piece, but we will always remember that Paula has a penchant for the younger and more dangerous guys and we will be glued to our sets to see exactly what the ongoing fallout will be for her midnight indiscretions. Perhaps they would have driven more business by taking us behind the scenes of “Desperate Housewives.” But instead, John Quinones will cry himself to sleep for letting ABC take advantage of him and then leave the change on the nightstand.

So what happens now? Paula will likely sue for defamation and slander, though it is unlikely she’ll get anything out of it besides more ridicule. ABC will get a big bruise on its shoulder when the bully it tried to tease hits it back out of formality. But for the most part, the producers of “American Idol” and the executives at Fox will laugh all the way to the bank while they ride the tremendous wave of ratings that Primetime accidentally sent their way. Keep broadcasting the pulp folks! America just can’t get enough of your scandal and sensation. The pen is indeed much mightier than the sword, but why point sharp objects at each other and get hurt? You’ll still get paid as long as everyone keeps watching and it’s much more fun and lucrative if you stick to the Nerf toys.


*I do realize the irony of attacking the population that keeps watching this crap after having watched it myself. What can I say? We’re all junkies.