Swimming in the money bin isn't all it cracked up to be

Study after study has sought to find which is the most stressful profession in the world today. Some would say it is being an accountant at tax time while others say it is being an air traffic controller. Either one burdens you with the well-being of your clients, the latter forcing you to handle their very lives, but it might appear that the most stressful and mind-racking profession is not anything corporate or technical but instead it is being a celebrity.

Ladies and gentlemen, we must respect the incredible nerves it must take to handle millions upon millions of dollars in salary and bonuses a year. We cannot begin to imagine what it means to be forced to escape the throngs of adoring fans to one’s private compound in the Hollywood hills. The cars, the women (or men), and all the free stuff are really much more complicated and mind-numbing than trying to make sure thousands of people hit the ground at LAX going hundreds of miles an hour and still survive.

Because of this incredible cross to bear, celebrities seem to have created their own forms of therapy. While I’m sure most use the standard method of seeing a professional psychologist, others have chosen to ease their minds by killing people. Nothing more needs to be said about O.J. Simpson – he seems to have cleared his head of his lucrative sports legacy and movie career by sticking it to his ex-wife and her husband many, many times on a dark Brentwood corner. Then there is the case of All-Star New Jersey Nets Center Jayson Williams who happened to “accidentally” fire a shotgun into his limousine driver’s chest while giving a “tour” of his house and “showing off” his firearm collection. Both of these fine gentlemen were cleared of charges by a jury of their peers, presumably because we all understand that celebrities have it very hard and need to get out their aggression in any way possible.

But more recently, it seems that our famous friends are taking a more peaceful, albeit crazy, path to enlightenment. To the chagrin of thousands of fans and fellow Dolphins teammates, Ricky Williams announced a sudden retirement from his cushy $5 million a year gig as one of the NFL’s star running backs and disappeared. “60 Minutes” reporter Mike Wallace finally found him after he had been living in a tent city somewhere in Australia. “Mr. Williams, I presume?” It turns out he was concerned about failing a drug test for the third time and his public finding out about his indiscretions. If only the adoring fans could realize that the pressure of being filthy rich and being one of the most talented athletes in the nation requires the use of illegal drugs. It’s a vicious circle.

Just hot off the presses though is the recent rediscovery of comedian Dave Chapelle after he fell off the radar when Comedy Central announced they were suspending production of his show, which is on a $50 million contract to continue through this season. Soon after this hitch in the plan, Chapelle left his family and, quite surprisingly for a Hollywood figure, his agent and publicist as well and has just recently turned up in South Africa where he has been on a “spiritual retreat.” According to MSNBC, Chapelle told Time Magazine, “I’m not crazy, I’m not smoking crack, I’m definitely stressed out.” He goes on to say he needed to get away from all the voices jockeying for position regarding his show and future. I’m sure no executive ever has to deal with that kind of pressure or else everyone would be in some exotic and remote location to find their inner chakra. But even if they did, they probably wouldn’t be doing it with a guaranteed multi-million dollar payday like Chapelle has waiting for him whether he produces his show or not.

We need to cut these people some slack. Clearly our society’s insatiable hunger creates such high demands on celebrities that they have to kill people or run to the corners of the earth. We obviously aren’t paying them enough for it to be worth their while to entertain us day in, day out and we should really stop forcing them to be our dancing monkeys. All this being said though, I suppose we are getting plenty of entertainment from watching them go crazy and find religion or kill their friends, but that’s a whole other discussion. For now, we must stop expecting Dave Chapelle to be funny! We must stop expecting Ricky Williams to carry a ball! And most importantly, we must stop expecting O.J. Simpson to keep his hands to himself and find the real killer! Let us all give our celebrities the R & R they’ve been trying to tell us, but have been unable to articulate, they so desperately need.

Now let’s all settle down, get comfortable, and watch Britney Spears and Kevin Federline show their private home videos on UPN.