The 80's were much dirtier than we think they were

If these men were actually "Turning Japanese,"
you may not really think so. A conversation this afternoon with my office-mate Mary revealed a fact that had a surprising effect on my security in the world order. Like a rug ripped out from under me, I lost my balance and looked with wide eyes at the new existence that was always around me but I had never seen. The horrifying truth: The Vapors’ “Turning Japanese” is not at all about what I thought it was.

We all know the song either from hearing it over and over on the radio, or hearing it over and over on commercials for one of Time Life’s many collections of songs from yesteryear. I have heard it over and over from the CD that mysteriously appeared in my mailbox one warm summer afternoon with no note or letter as to why I received it. It was kind of like how a Ouija board is supposed to miraculously show up on your door if you try to get rid of it, except that I had never seen or asked for this CD and certainly hadn’t tried to get rid of it. It is a collection of 80’s wave hits though, so it probably does share some of the occult properties.

I enjoyed listening to my mystery gift (which later turned out to be from Entertainment Weekly…how kind of them) and one of the songs is, of course, “Turning Japanese.” I had always thought the song had something to do with Japan’s influence on the American economy during the 80’s, but in further listening, there was more talk about taking and having his girlfriend’s picture. Ahh…so the song is not about compact cars and consumer electronics, but instead about tourists and their inclination for taking photographs. It was all sorted, and I felt good about myself. Until this morning.

In talking about 80’s hits with Mary, I decided to brag a little about how I had figured out the meaning of the song. She smiled and indulged me for a little bit, and I was so proud of myself until a few moments later when she revealed she knew I was wrong the whole time. The song is neither about the economy or excessive photograpy. It is, in fact, about masturbation.

Maybe I'm just out of the loop, but has anyone out there ever heard the phrase “turning Japanese” in reference to masturbation? Some internet research reveals that the song is most definitely about fluffing oneself, and the phrase refers to the face you make when you approach orgasm in that you have that squinty, crumpled face. I don’t think it looks Japanese at all, but if it came from the 80’s I guess we can just chalk it up to people being strange and delusional. I’ll let you decide:

I got your picture of me and you

You wrote "I love you" I wrote "me too"

I sit here staring and there's nothing else to do

Oh it's in color

Your hair is brown

Your eyes are hazel

And soft as clouds

I have to kiss you when there's no one else around

I got your picture, I got your picture

I'd like a million of you over myself

I want a doctor to take a picture

So I can look at you from inside as well

You've got me turning up and turning down

and turning in and turning 'round

I'm turning Japanese

I think I'm turning Japanese

I really think so

Turning Japanese

I think I'm turning Japanese

I really think so

Turning Japanese

I think I'm turning Japanese

I really think so

Turning Japanese

I think I'm turning Japanese

I really think so

Being right or wrong is all well and good, but the bigger issue here is that all along I had no clue whatsoever that this seemingly innocent, albeit slightly offensive, song was really so much more than I expected. I’m sure my pride in knowing what songs mean figured into my shock and humiliation a little, but a small fear arises in that I think we may have underestimated the apparent naïveté and wackiness of the 80's - all this time they were just as depraved as we are now. The only difference is that Britney Spears doesn't use any clever euphemisms when referring to her extracurricular activities.

To quote The Princess Bride, “I do not think you know what that word means, and I do not think that word means what you think it means.” You've been warned.