Find true love with an annoying ringtone

Say hello to your newest
sex toy. Don't use while driving.Let’s face it, no one really seems to enjoy the battlefield that is the dating scene these days. Sure it’s fun from time to time, and god knows my Ikea bed has many, many stories to tell, but there has to be an easier way to attract that perfect “other” to complete the gaping holes in our souls, preferably a method that doesn't require talking to anyone. Fortunately, modern science allows us to do precisely this.

Not all of us can look like the lovely Rene Russo in her flashy, pantiless glory in The Thomas Crown Affair, but that doesn’t mean you can’t walk into a bar and have everyone stop and stare at you. Using the same concept as the pheremones that turn sorority houses into a hormonal nightmare every four weeks or so, there are colognes and perfumes that employ pheremones specifically designed to trigger the sexuality center of your desired mate’s brain. The pheromones themselves are unscented, so you can mix them with your favorite fragrance, or just come in without showering and have everyone be confused as hell as to why they’re madly in love with the rugby player who clearly just came out of the rain. You don’t even have to say anything! The chemicals do all the work. And in this day and age, we should be using more chemicals for critical decisions such as these.

But perfume isn’t enough you say? Then aren’t you in luck! Developed by intimacy expert Dr. Myra Vanderhood, Pherotones are ringtones for your phone that are specifically designed to stimulate the brain’s sex center. Now, when you go out with your friends but seem way more interested in talking to anyone else who isn't there over the phone, people won’t be irritated, they will be unable to stop themselves from having sex with you. Every sexy call you get will break down their defenses like so many Fembots watching Austin Powers in a striptease. You won’t even be able to finish saying, “I have to take this, it’s my mom” before you have to explain to the woman who gave you birth what those noises are that sound so much like the throes of passion.

Don’t believe me? Check out their website. I just sampled the tones for some people in the office and they haven’t come out of the bathroom since. I accidentally had my window open and the squirrels in the park are now acting very inappropriately for the family establishment the playground is supposed to be. This stuff really works! As you can see in their research video, endorsements and Dr. Vanderhood’s many speaking engagements! Maybe she’ll actually get around to scheduling a few soon - I’m sure she’s just been busy lately, what with the sex and all.

This is an excellent step in the right direction, ladies and gentlemen. We waste so much time speaking to each other and playing the game of seduction when really all we need to do is mace someone with our love juice and blast our phone in their ear. Just thinking about it gives me that fresh-from-the-dryer toasty feeling downstairs. Delicious.


** UPDATE! **
Well, it looks like the whole "Pherotone" thing is a scam by some ad agency trying to gain buzz. Why? Who knows. This might shed some light on the subject.

But the joke's on them. I've been playing "El Cuddlero" all over the place and I've been having sex for two and a half hours straight.

Devil, thy name is Myspace

More like a place for evil. It's too
late for me but save yourselves!I like to consider myself an independent thinker and someone who can live his daily life without succumbing to ridiculous trends. But then reality hits and no matter how hard I try, I am simply human and susceptible to these attacks. The most recent of these failures of will: Myspace.

I don’t really remember how it started, much like how it’s hard to remember where that screenplay idea came from or how you ended up in bed with this person whose name you can’t remember, but someone must have invited me to start a page. For about a year I only lightly maintained my profile and waved my hand non-chalantly if someone mentioned we should be Myspace friends. Sure, why not. No harm in that.

But then suddenly over Christmas break, I got bored. And when you get bored, nothing is more entertaining than flipping through page and page of people’s pictures and life stories, seeing who all you can meet, discovering that your friend has all these gorgeous other friends you had no idea existed, and so forth. Plus, when the working day thins out and there are only so many games of Solitaire one can handle, it becomes a game to see how many random people you can get to be your friend, how many comments you can get people to leave you, and how many chain letters you can post to the bulletin boards. So now I’m totally hooked…and totally screwed.

As is fitting for someone who needs to admit defeat to such a system, I have collected my favorite chain letter questions from the multitudes flying around Myspace. Please enjoy, and don’t forget to go to my Myspace profile (please…I need my fix!).

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1) Have you ever wanted to have sex with a friend? But of course. That’s what they’re for.

2) Have you ever been really drunk? This question is on almost all of them and it’s ridiculous. If we’re doing chain letters, chances are we’ve been pretty drunk at least once.

3) Have you ever dreamed something crazy and then it happened the next day? Well yes, but I came to class in my underwear on purpose.

4) Are you for world peace? Probably not. I plan to profit off the suffering of the embattled nations of the world with my line of “Go Palestine” and “Go Israel” pennants and t-shirts. Also, I will sell peanuts.

5) In the last 48 hours have you talked to someone? Yes, if you count my alternate personalities. Actually, it’s more like they talked to me. I can’t stand them.

6) In the last 48 hours have you dreamed about someone you can’t have? Well, sort of. Does it count that the only reason Brad won’t be with me is because his nuptials with Angelina won’t expire for another year? He says after that we can move to Brokeback.

7) What food makes you want to yack? Yak meat.

8) Biggest pet peeve? People trying to make me eat yak meat.

9) Who is the shittiest historical figure? Maybe Aaron Burr? His entire legacy is based on a peanut-butter eating man who can’t pronounce his name properly.

10) Where is a place you’d never be caught dead? In Buenos Aires. They want me alive.