Find true love with an annoying ringtone

Say hello to your newest
sex toy. Don't use while driving.Let’s face it, no one really seems to enjoy the battlefield that is the dating scene these days. Sure it’s fun from time to time, and god knows my Ikea bed has many, many stories to tell, but there has to be an easier way to attract that perfect “other” to complete the gaping holes in our souls, preferably a method that doesn't require talking to anyone. Fortunately, modern science allows us to do precisely this.

Not all of us can look like the lovely Rene Russo in her flashy, pantiless glory in The Thomas Crown Affair, but that doesn’t mean you can’t walk into a bar and have everyone stop and stare at you. Using the same concept as the pheremones that turn sorority houses into a hormonal nightmare every four weeks or so, there are colognes and perfumes that employ pheremones specifically designed to trigger the sexuality center of your desired mate’s brain. The pheromones themselves are unscented, so you can mix them with your favorite fragrance, or just come in without showering and have everyone be confused as hell as to why they’re madly in love with the rugby player who clearly just came out of the rain. You don’t even have to say anything! The chemicals do all the work. And in this day and age, we should be using more chemicals for critical decisions such as these.

But perfume isn’t enough you say? Then aren’t you in luck! Developed by intimacy expert Dr. Myra Vanderhood, Pherotones are ringtones for your phone that are specifically designed to stimulate the brain’s sex center. Now, when you go out with your friends but seem way more interested in talking to anyone else who isn't there over the phone, people won’t be irritated, they will be unable to stop themselves from having sex with you. Every sexy call you get will break down their defenses like so many Fembots watching Austin Powers in a striptease. You won’t even be able to finish saying, “I have to take this, it’s my mom” before you have to explain to the woman who gave you birth what those noises are that sound so much like the throes of passion.

Don’t believe me? Check out their website. I just sampled the tones for some people in the office and they haven’t come out of the bathroom since. I accidentally had my window open and the squirrels in the park are now acting very inappropriately for the family establishment the playground is supposed to be. This stuff really works! As you can see in their research video, endorsements and Dr. Vanderhood’s many speaking engagements! Maybe she’ll actually get around to scheduling a few soon - I’m sure she’s just been busy lately, what with the sex and all.

This is an excellent step in the right direction, ladies and gentlemen. We waste so much time speaking to each other and playing the game of seduction when really all we need to do is mace someone with our love juice and blast our phone in their ear. Just thinking about it gives me that fresh-from-the-dryer toasty feeling downstairs. Delicious.


** UPDATE! **
Well, it looks like the whole "Pherotone" thing is a scam by some ad agency trying to gain buzz. Why? Who knows. This might shed some light on the subject.

But the joke's on them. I've been playing "El Cuddlero" all over the place and I've been having sex for two and a half hours straight.