How to "hear spiders eat babies" and other useful household tips

Wikihow.com holds the answer to life, the universe,
and everything. Or at least it could have. Life is full of those pesky little questions that nag at the back of our minds. What is the proper way to set up and host a cocktail party? Does the comma go before or after quotation marks? When you need to tell someone off on the road, do you flip the bird first and then shout expletives, or vice versa?

For centuries the answers to all of these questions were passed down in the oral tradition and about ten years ago, a great site called Ehow.com came along to serve as a database for those trivial, yet crucial, bits of information. With the evolution of the internet and the success of the Wikipedia, a user modified online encyclopedia, Ehow soon became Wikihow.com where the general public could readily contribute its knowledge to the greater good. But I don’t need to tell you that people are a few fries short of a Happy Meal from time to time, and occasionally some contributions are deleted by the administrators. I think this is a gross violation of freedom of information, but fortunately for you dear, smart, and educated readers, the deletion log is available for your general perusal.

Users can either submit an article on how to do something, or a request for someone in the know to write about their question. Of course there are the scads of articles about how to do those little things no one taught you to do in high school, such as how to “steal a Jeep Wrangler,” “make a firecracker”, or “smell poo.” Have you ever been suspicious whether your mum was a rhino? Well, there was an explanation available for you but it appears James didn’t think it was appropriate. This also goes for “how to tell if your rat understands English” or “if your spouse is an Alien.”

For those of us living on Skid Row, we know that life is a struggle and we must constantly be on the lookout for our fellow man. That’s why courageous webizens tried to write about how to “survive a bedn attack...again,” “piss someone the fuck off,” “kill a man using a grain of rice,” or “how to bludgeon someone’s head into nothing but liquid and gas,” all of which Jack H. didn’t think you’d want to see. And if you happen to be on the not so friendly side of any of these things, particularly a “bedn attack,” there was also a short-lived description of how to “die awesomely.”

Are you having trouble in bed, or even getting there in the first place? Well maybe the first step is to “kick your clingy best friend to the curb,” which unfortunately you’ll have to read about somewhere other than Wikihow. Perhaps you need to “learn to live a ‘gossip girl’ life,” learn to “touch a girl’s butt with her not caring,” or simply learn how to “become super hot.” If you’re doing all right in the boudoir and need a bigger challenge, then the article on “how to bang your girlfriend’s best friend” would have been a great help.

But then there are those situations that really nothing in any of our experiences has prepared us for and we require articles on these topics to protect ourselves in case they happen. However, there will be no help for the needy when it comes to “dismantling an atomic bomb,” “establishing democracy in Nepal,” “defeating aliens and extraterrestrials,” or “killing a giant man eating dinosaur with a laser beam hat with just your bare hands.” There used to be advice on “how to hold a dance where everyone must pay with live chickens” or “how to dance naked in the street in front of everyone you’ve ever held dear,” but alas you're going to have to figure these ones out on your own.

So if you want to check out this delightful list of things you could have learned but now may not get the chance, I encourage you to head over to the Wikihow deletion log at your earliest convenience. Perhaps it is even time to lodge a complaint against the administrators who have denied you the right to know how to “silence or kill your neighbor’s dog without being caught,” “boil a small baby with a minimum of fuss,” or even “peel a live elephant using only your bare hands.” We are Americans for Pete’s sake and we have a right to know - a right that is apparently ranked just slightly lower than our right to be creatively unintelligent.