Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Consumers

Revenge of the Sith will show us the Dark
Side and its penchant for non-ergonomic
capes. 12:00 AM this Thursday will bring about a watershed event that will either signal the beginning or the end of an era. The nation will hold its breath and millions of people will venture into public wearing outfits that would usually be enough to have them committed. Citizens with careers and normal lives will have already shirked the luxuries of modern living to sleep on the streets of cities across America and a small group of individuals at Skywalker Ranch in Marin County, California will be watching their TV and computer screens to see if they have won what is, at this point, a pop-culture lottery. This event is the premiere of the final chapter of the Star Wars saga, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.

The original three films released in the late 70’s stunned the world with not only their amazing visual and special effects, but also the revolutionary thinking that brought our favorite heroes Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and of course the lovely Princess Leia on a whirlwind adventure through a galaxy far, far away a long time ago. The re-releases of these films twenty years later far surpassed E.T. as the all time box-office gross champions, yet when the first installment of the trilogy of prequels hit, we all heard the loudest, most deafening whimper that either the previous or the current generation has experienced. Let’s face it – George Lucas’ celebrated genius that brought us the Academy Award winning and, for some, life-altering Star Wars films has been surprisingly absent in the most recent run of this saga.

Episode I: The Phantom Menace managed to pull down what would be a staggering $431 million, but for this long-awaited film you would expect it to at least outdo Titanic. The introduction of Jar-Jar Binks and the incredibly complicated underlying pretext have left this film to be ridiculed by many, including "The Simpsons." This sentiment showed when the second installment, Episode II: Attack of the Clones, failed to even meet its predecessor, falling short by more than $100 million. And now, when the eager public should be expecting the incredible climax that will complete this story, it is instead holding Lucas to task in hopes that he can redeem himself from this veritable mess.

But it looks like there is hope – the reviews indicate Episode III is the breath of fresh air we have all been waiting for. The rumors appear to be true that the other two films were simply filler and plot-building, but this is where the meat of the story was meant to be all along. Magazines and newspapers are hailing the relationship between Lucas and Hayden Christiansen that has finally been able to blossom in this project and we should all be able to expect the excellent acting and emotion that we’ve been grasping for over the last five years, albeit with a bit of muted elation.

The bar has been set so low that the reviews largely indicate all Lucas has to do in order to make this finale a success is to play it out and not mess it up along the way. Bob Strauss of the Los Angeles Daily News says in his positive review, “We are all preprogrammed in one way or another to want Episode III: Revenge of the Sith to climax in the way it does. All George had to do was not screw that up. He didn’t.” How could this fantastic brainchild have gone awry? Could it be because Lucas should not have been anywhere near the writing process? When asked about the romantic dialogue, Natalie Portman said, “I’ll take the Fifth on that. It’s fun stuff to work on but it’s not Shakespeare.” Perhaps Anakin’s very forward advances and deadpan discussions of how he’s dying inside when he’s around Padme can attest to that. Or perhaps it is the fact that when I sat down to watch the first two films with my co-workers who have read the books, watched all the supplemental materials and done any other immersion into the Star Wars universe one possibly can, we realized that the movies only just now made sense because we paused the opening crawls and analyzed the political subtexts that are the basis for these plots. The whole Trade Federation blockade and trade route taxation and…zzz…oh, sorry. These concepts are so obscure that not even the most adept adult could comprehend them, much less the twelve-year-olds.

And speaking of the twelve-year-olds, I think it’s safe to say that even they didn’t even accept Jar Jar Binks’ ludicrous “comedic” relief. Let’s leave the fart and excrement jokes to Jim Carrey. He’s good at that.

In an interview with Entertainment Weekly Lucas said, “People have taken possession of the films. I like that fans are independent and freethinking, but it does tend to get a bit dogmatic.” It’s apparent that Lucas has checked out completely from his obligation to this cultural icon. But if that’s the case, why did he insist on directing the films himself? The Empire Strikes Back, which is largely hailed as the greatest film of the entire saga, was only produced by Lucas and directed by Irvin Kershner. Lucas is incredibly talented at dreaming up the story and the technical aspects, but perhaps he should have kept with tradition and left the direction and writing to someone else.

I must say though, I am a sucker for a great story and overall these movies have provided us with exactly that. I already have my ticket, and reserved seat no less, to see this conclusion at the Arclight’s Cinerama dome and despite the letdown of the previous two installments, I am waiting with great optimism to see exactly how these two worlds will connect. Even though Geroge Lucas may have dropped the ball by the standards set by his adoring public, he has still managed to keep us salivating for nearly thirty years. So hats off to Mr. Lucas! We should all be so fortunate to have his talent and a medium to display it.

Now all that’s left to do is by some AA’s for my lightsaber and get my Jedi robe back from the cleaners. I wouldn’t want to have to show up to the theatre inappropriately dressed.

Swimming in the money bin isn't all it cracked up to be

Study after study has sought to find which is the most stressful profession in the world today. Some would say it is being an accountant at tax time while others say it is being an air traffic controller. Either one burdens you with the well-being of your clients, the latter forcing you to handle their very lives, but it might appear that the most stressful and mind-racking profession is not anything corporate or technical but instead it is being a celebrity.

Ladies and gentlemen, we must respect the incredible nerves it must take to handle millions upon millions of dollars in salary and bonuses a year. We cannot begin to imagine what it means to be forced to escape the throngs of adoring fans to one’s private compound in the Hollywood hills. The cars, the women (or men), and all the free stuff are really much more complicated and mind-numbing than trying to make sure thousands of people hit the ground at LAX going hundreds of miles an hour and still survive.

Because of this incredible cross to bear, celebrities seem to have created their own forms of therapy. While I’m sure most use the standard method of seeing a professional psychologist, others have chosen to ease their minds by killing people. Nothing more needs to be said about O.J. Simpson – he seems to have cleared his head of his lucrative sports legacy and movie career by sticking it to his ex-wife and her husband many, many times on a dark Brentwood corner. Then there is the case of All-Star New Jersey Nets Center Jayson Williams who happened to “accidentally” fire a shotgun into his limousine driver’s chest while giving a “tour” of his house and “showing off” his firearm collection. Both of these fine gentlemen were cleared of charges by a jury of their peers, presumably because we all understand that celebrities have it very hard and need to get out their aggression in any way possible.

But more recently, it seems that our famous friends are taking a more peaceful, albeit crazy, path to enlightenment. To the chagrin of thousands of fans and fellow Dolphins teammates, Ricky Williams announced a sudden retirement from his cushy $5 million a year gig as one of the NFL’s star running backs and disappeared. “60 Minutes” reporter Mike Wallace finally found him after he had been living in a tent city somewhere in Australia. “Mr. Williams, I presume?” It turns out he was concerned about failing a drug test for the third time and his public finding out about his indiscretions. If only the adoring fans could realize that the pressure of being filthy rich and being one of the most talented athletes in the nation requires the use of illegal drugs. It’s a vicious circle.

Just hot off the presses though is the recent rediscovery of comedian Dave Chapelle after he fell off the radar when Comedy Central announced they were suspending production of his show, which is on a $50 million contract to continue through this season. Soon after this hitch in the plan, Chapelle left his family and, quite surprisingly for a Hollywood figure, his agent and publicist as well and has just recently turned up in South Africa where he has been on a “spiritual retreat.” According to MSNBC, Chapelle told Time Magazine, “I’m not crazy, I’m not smoking crack, I’m definitely stressed out.” He goes on to say he needed to get away from all the voices jockeying for position regarding his show and future. I’m sure no executive ever has to deal with that kind of pressure or else everyone would be in some exotic and remote location to find their inner chakra. But even if they did, they probably wouldn’t be doing it with a guaranteed multi-million dollar payday like Chapelle has waiting for him whether he produces his show or not.

We need to cut these people some slack. Clearly our society’s insatiable hunger creates such high demands on celebrities that they have to kill people or run to the corners of the earth. We obviously aren’t paying them enough for it to be worth their while to entertain us day in, day out and we should really stop forcing them to be our dancing monkeys. All this being said though, I suppose we are getting plenty of entertainment from watching them go crazy and find religion or kill their friends, but that’s a whole other discussion. For now, we must stop expecting Dave Chapelle to be funny! We must stop expecting Ricky Williams to carry a ball! And most importantly, we must stop expecting O.J. Simpson to keep his hands to himself and find the real killer! Let us all give our celebrities the R & R they’ve been trying to tell us, but have been unable to articulate, they so desperately need.

Now let’s all settle down, get comfortable, and watch Britney Spears and Kevin Federline show their private home videos on UPN.

It just wouldn't be sweeps without an exciting celebrity molestation trial

It’s that magical time of year we call sweeps and all of our favorite shows are building to dramatic finales, news programs are starting to air whatever scandalous nonsense they can, and every network is bringing out any and all ratings weapons they have at their disposal. But above all else, it’s time to wake up Michael Jackson and drag him through the mud to celebrate another February/ November/ May ratings blitz.

Child abuse is a very big problem in the world today, and over the past few years we’ve come to learn that children are not even safe while hidden in the “innocence” of the Catholic Church. The fact that any parent has to worry about their son or daughter falling victim, or even the child having to learn not to trust anyone is a blight upon our society. For years we have been hearing about how Michael Jackson is among the worst offenders, but I’m not as much convinced about his supposedly unseemly ways than I am that all of the district attorneys and news outlets are abusing our brains and lives with this dog and pony show.

For me, at least, it is hard to determine any time or difference between when Michael is on trial and when he is not. It seems like this has been one big party where everyone just keeps showing up in waves. And a party it most certainly is – there are more celebrities traipsing through that little court room in Santa Barbara than there are on Hollywood Boulevard. From George Lopez arriving in a limousine to Macaulay Culkin’s scathing testimony, there is more tabloid gold in this quiet beach town than there is in Liza Minelli’s bedroom.

There is always something going on in the Jackson camp and right now the prosecution has just subpoenaed Michael’s ex-attorney Mark Geragos who was once fired since his attention was divided between Jackson and some guy who killed his wife and unborn son. In retrospect that may have been a wise move. But Geragos has it quite right – according to CNN he is refusing to show up in court because he is too busy, while the prosecution’s response is that he should be treated like any other citizen and forced to appear. But they have it quite backwards, because it is safe to say that we are all way too busy doing more important things than trying Michael Jackson for being, if nothing else, a weirdo.

Why is it that we enjoy poking fun at Michael Jackson? We loved him so dearly in the eighties when he reigned as “the King of Pop,” but now our country just can’t seem to get enough of dragging this very confused and twisted black/ white man through the dirt. It is getting to the point where it appears everyone is fabricating stories to bury Michael even further, as shown by Macaulay Culkin’s testimony that allegations of his abuse by Jackson are “absolutely ridiculous.” How many different children has the prosecution put on the stand against Michael, only to be exposed in their lies by the defense? Why can’t we just let this crazy man live on his ranch in the obvious pain and suffering he would have even without all this publicity?

But perhaps this is not about Michael Jackson and saving Southern California’s children from his supposed lechery. Perhaps it is more about being able to fill our airwaves with “Whacko Jacko” programming in order to boost the ratings. The worst offender in this right is E! Entertainment Television with its show,“The Michael Jackson Trial.” I saw the report about this nightly program on "The Daily Show" but I didn’t quite realize the extent of this atrocity until I looked up the web site. E! has cast the entire roster of characters from the defense attorneys, to the judge, to Michael himself, and we all know that starving LA actors were lining up out the door in silly long, white-haired wigs just to get this role of a lifetime. The site also includes a daily rundown of what happened in court, followed by the scorecard of the defense vs. prosecution. Right now it looks like a close battle, so we’re going to have to hope the defense can hold the opposition to fourth and long to block the field goal.

Of all the problems in the world, why has Michael Jackson become among the largest? I feel badly for him every time I see him on the news, just for the inner turmoil that comes from being a child superstar on top of the obvious mental disconnect he has been dealing with for decades. That much plastic surgery cannot be the product of a sound mind and holding sleepovers with other children is certainly more of an indication that they are the only people he can relate to than it is a sign that he is a danger to society. I say let him be – let’s focus on the important issues like the fact that Iran is trying to gain the capability to kill every last one of us, that Iraq is still the hotbed of terrorism it was three years ago, and that Tony Blair will never be the prime minister that Margaret Thatcher was.

I suppose we should be thankful that we live in secure enough times to not have more to worry about than a pop-star-gone-horribly-wrong’s penchant for the young’ns, but if we’re already only using ten percent of our brains, then we need to stop wasting what little we are using on blaming society’s problems on the sick, twisted, beloved rock idols of our past. And I’m sure David Bowie and Mick Jagger would agree.

North Korea can just hang on a minute - we're talking about Renee Zellweger's wedding dress

Mark Twain put it quite well when he pointed out, “If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t congress the opposite of progress?” We have seen more political insanity over the last five years than I dare say we have in many decades past and it looks like it will most surely continue until we elect someone in 2008 who can, perhaps, pronounce the word “nuclear” better than the average second grade student. But regardless of what happens in a few years, there is one tradition of our legislative branch that has survived throughout our nation’s history that is as strange now as it must have been back then. I speak, of course, about the filibuster.

What is a filibuster? Put quite succinctly by CNN, “The filibuster is a parliamentary tactic where senators use their right to virtually unlimited debate to block measures or legislation. To stop a filibuster requires 60 votes. Passing a bill or confirming a nominee requires only a simple majority, 51 senators if all 100 senators are present.” We are currently the most powerful nation in the world with the ability to wipe any nation off the face of the planet (as the Bush administration has so deftly demonstrated) and we are capable of conquering any dream, even that of putting a man on the moon. This is, of course, unless a senator decides he is not going to stop talking until the most powerful nation in the world can agree to make him shut up. And not just agree - it takes more votes to silence a renegade representative than it does to appoint a lifetime justice on the Supreme Court.

This is relevant now because the Senate is preparing to filibuster in order to block Bush’s nominations for successors to the Supreme Court. This happened during the Bush administration's first term and now the Democrats are gearing up for another all-out talkfest in order to have some effect over our nation's policy. Don’t get me wrong, I am positive that any of Bush’s nominees would be detrimental to the future of this country, but isn’t there a better way to get things done than to read from Martha Stewart Living in hopes that your opponents will kill themselves before they vote against you?

Now, if the thought of having Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid read every entry in his little black book doesn’t scare you, perhaps these folks will. This group of Princeton students has decided to show support for the Democratic filibuster by hosting their own blabber bash outside the Frist Campus Center, the same building that the family of the Senate’s head Republican paid to build, soon to be followed by a bus tour to the reflecting pool on the Mall. These students, while exercising their right of free speech, are not encouraging the Democrats to step out of their passive shells and do something, but instead are supporting this time-honored embarrassment. True, the Democrats are in the minority and they must pull out every stop they can in order to keep the Republicans from running them over, but perhaps they should have thought about that come election time instead of trying to speak endlessly on irrelevant topics now. The Democrats are paying the price for not taking a stand on any of the major issues in order to please the entire free world at once while cowering in the shadow of the ambitious Republicans. And I’m sure everyone who voted for John Kerry and Al Gore in the primaries would agree.

But even more astonishing is that, according to this CNN report, people like Democratic New Jersey representatives Rush Holt and Frank Pallone Jr. have actually shown up to participate in the Princeton protest. I suppose for some people there is not enough absurdity in the capitol and they must travel to college rallies to satisfy their urges. If you can’t get anything done by going on about a random subject in Washington D.C., then you had better do it some more with a bunch of anxious twenty-year-olds.

Yes, we need to stop George Bush and Carl Rove from making these nominations to the Supreme Court. Yes, the Democrats need to come up from behind to have their minority voice heard. But do we really need to pay homage to this ludicrous American tradition? As the most powerful nation on Earth it is our responsibility to come up with a more appropriate forum for the battles of politics. If you're going to vote, then vote. If you're going to debate, then please let's have a frank and relevant discussion. But it makes very little sense that spending days at a time literally talking about nonsense is a valid procedure recognized by our government and that a floundering Democratic party should even think to engage. Of course the upside is that I have always wanted to read Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace so I'm hoping it will be on the suggested reading list while I'm glued to C-Span.

Kingdom of political correctness and very frightening masks

Mel Gibson has shown us quite astutely that if you want to make money on a movie, you should make it so it pushes religious buttons – specifically those of the evangelical Christians. This rugged bunch turned out in droves and even bought up entire theatres for The Passion (sad to say my own seemingly liberal church where I grew up in the Bay Area was among them) so that people could understand the truth of the Bible…as told by Gibson of course who was apparently present at the time. So Ridley Scott should definitely be at the forefront to receive this year’s box-office billions with his epic Kingdom of Heaven where he deals with the touchy subject of the Crusades.

Jerusalem has been a hotbed of activity since the dawn of time. Everyone has some kind of holy claim on the city, even though no one now was alive to actually take part in any ritual there that involved the intact locations and buildings that they have fought so hard to control. Currently this tiny, walled city is split into four parts so everyone can claim their own holy buildings. Why is it that throughout history everyone seemed to build on the same piece of barren land? Could it possibly stem from the fact that Judaism and Islam came from virtually the same roots, and Christianity is built from a bunch of Jews who decided to follow one outspoken individual and change their name? Given that there is still fighting in this hallowed place and that we live in an age where Keifer Sutherland appears on PSA’s during “24” to assure the country that not all Muslim-Americans are running sleeper cells, clearly it can’t be that hard to piss some people off.

But it would appear that 20th Century Fox and Ridley Scott sacrificed their cash cow in hopes of winning public favor as Owen Gleiberman puts it in Entertainment Weekly: “Scott is so busy balancing our sympathies, making sure no one gets offended, that he has made a pageant of war that would have gotten a thumbs-up from Eleanor Roosevelt.” It would appear we’re going to miss out on the juicy in-fighting that ensues from a controversial movie because this one is so sugar coated that no one really knows who to be pissed at. But at least some people tried and here's the best we've got.

One camp says the movie is too anti-Muslim. The main conflict is the Christians trying to maintain hold on their holy sites within Jerusalem while fighting off the hordes of Muslims who are trying to get it back (even though everyone in that army was born well after the city fell into Christian control). Khaled Abu el-Fadl, a professor of Islamic law at UCLA, says in the Washington Times, “"I believe this movie teaches people to hate Muslims. There is a stereotype of the Muslim as constantly stupid, retarded, backward, unable to think in complex forms. It's really annoying at an intellectual level, and it really misrepresents history on many levels." If Orlando Bloom is fighting against an army, they must be heathens, right? So there you go folks, that's the best we get from the mouths of the academic dissenters – we think Muslims are “retarded.”

Then on the other hand there are a number of people who say that the movie is too PRO-Muslim. Professor Jonathan Riley-Smith, Britain’s leading authority on the Crusades (you have to wonder where his biases lie), told the London Telegraph that “[The film] is Osama bin Laden’s version of history. It will fuel the Islamic fundamentalists.” This is an awfully bold statement. At best it could be because the Muslims are often depicted as the gentle people just trying to live peacefully while the upstart Christians go out of their way to make war, or because the parallels between the leader of the Christians and George Bush make it all the more disturbing when he is tied to the back of a donkey in his underwear and paraded in front of the Muslim army. But either way, these two viewpoints only provide that we either think Muslims are intellectually inferior or that this film tells us the terrorists have won. There is no discussion about the Christian involvement nor about the long-term effects of this pointless war.

Then of course there is this man who presents a third point of contention into the mix, saying that the movie was a complete infringement upon the first 100 pages of his book. Unless he happened to write the Bible, we will not be able to expect any good discussion to come from him - though his very specific claim causes one to wonder what was on the remaining pages. Perhaps we shall be seeing a trilogy of Kingdom of Heaven, the third installment of which Orlando Bloom will be struck down, turned into a machine, and become more powerful than we can ever imagine.

Frankly, I’m disappointed that there is such a disjointed conversation about this film. There are a lot of issues that need to be discussed regarding religion in today's world and Ridley Scott had the resources in his hands to make that happen. Not a single religion that was involved in the Crusades should feel good about what happened, even though Mr. Scott wants us to leave the theatre feeling like everything was completely fine. The majority of the world’s international conflicts have centered around this one piece of dirt in the eastern desert, so clearly Orlando Bloom didn’t solve everything as well as they would like us to believe. But instead they chose to glaze over this dark period in history and now they have to live with a measly $20 million opening weekend.

But I think we can all agree on one thing: Edward Norton looks incredibly creepy in a silver leper mask.

ABC: Fox, you and everyone on your network is a whore! FOX: Yeah, so?

It has been said that the pen is mightier than the sword, and if there’s one thing publicists, celebrities and high level executives have been afraid of throughout time, it is the media. With one stroke of the quill, or key, corporate behemoths have been brought to their knees, stars have been made and broken, and little mom and pop restaurants have been turned into major chains or bulldozed for parking lots. Truly, journalism is a powerful weapon and every major network is armed to the teeth with magazine shows, nightly news programs, and companion 24-hour cable news networks.

But what happens when you take your cannon of truth and aim it directly at another network? That’s when you get Primetime specials like ABC’s “Fallen Idol” which came across the air and through the tubes last night. All of these major newsmagazines like “Dateline” and “20/20” have been prone as of late to reporting on important subjects like the fascinating relationship between Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears’ new CD’s, and why the actors who play the main characters on their respective networks’ primetime shows are the most amazing people on the planet. Because of this trend, it wouldn’t seem out of the ordinary for ABC to encourage John Quinones to prostitute his persona as a “journalist” to break the very important story of how a twenty-two-year-old nobody “American Idol” contestant managed to get in Paula Abdul’s pants in the guest room of her palatial Hollywood mansion.

ABC has a large stake in trying to destroy “American Idol” since their golden child “Lost” has to compete for the timeslot. ABC is lucky it is in a competitive position at all since they have been the bastard stepchild of television for longer than anyone can really remember. Now they finally make it onto the radar with “Lost” and “Desperate Housewives” and they decide to take on the grand-daddy of all current reality shows. Shouldn't they compete by making a better show to go up against it? No, that costs money. And after all, that’s what the news is for. Clearly firing their weapon of journalism from Burbank deep into the heart of Century City will bring Ryan Seacrest, Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, and any number of Fox executives to their knees in defeat. But ABC is up against an insurmountable match as Fox has already learned the lesson that ABC either doesn’t know or refuses to admit - people across America are attracted to scandal, not deterred, and they will eat it up as long as you keep feeding it to their hungry minds.

I wouldn’t be surprised to see “American Idol’s” numbers go through the roof this week since now it has an air of being “the bad kid,” and who wouldn’t want to tune in to see what kinds of unscrupulous behavior they will engage in next? Hell, we have three opportunities a week and we wouldn’t want to be the only people at work to not see that footage of Ryan Seacrest with the overweight, shaved-head kid in the dressing rooms! And what about “Lost?” We can be pretty sure they’re still not going to tell us what the hell they’re doing on that island, or what’s in the hatch, or what Kate did that was really so bad.

The reason that news networks not only get away with but profit heavily from airing fluff pieces about celebrities and their sex lives is because they are driven by the almighty dollar. Where does the dollar come from? Advertising. Why do people advertise on networks? Because they can see how many people are watching. As long as people keep watching, they’ll keep putting this stuff on the air.* But ABC should have known better because in two weeks we’re not going to remember who it was that aired the piece, but we will always remember that Paula has a penchant for the younger and more dangerous guys and we will be glued to our sets to see exactly what the ongoing fallout will be for her midnight indiscretions. Perhaps they would have driven more business by taking us behind the scenes of “Desperate Housewives.” But instead, John Quinones will cry himself to sleep for letting ABC take advantage of him and then leave the change on the nightstand.

So what happens now? Paula will likely sue for defamation and slander, though it is unlikely she’ll get anything out of it besides more ridicule. ABC will get a big bruise on its shoulder when the bully it tried to tease hits it back out of formality. But for the most part, the producers of “American Idol” and the executives at Fox will laugh all the way to the bank while they ride the tremendous wave of ratings that Primetime accidentally sent their way. Keep broadcasting the pulp folks! America just can’t get enough of your scandal and sensation. The pen is indeed much mightier than the sword, but why point sharp objects at each other and get hurt? You’ll still get paid as long as everyone keeps watching and it’s much more fun and lucrative if you stick to the Nerf toys.


*I do realize the irony of attacking the population that keeps watching this crap after having watched it myself. What can I say? We’re all junkies.

Fox "Animation Domination" Deadpool

The much anticipated “Animation Domination” on Fox took place last night, bringing into our lives the 350th episode of “The Simpsons,” the second premiere of “American Dad,” and of course, the very long awaited return of “Family Guy.”

But as the opening teaser on “Family Guy” quite beautifully points out, Fox is quite prone to blowing their new series out of the water before they even have a chance. Not quite as bad as ABC, but still pretty bad. So folks, it’s time to play…

FOX ANIMATION DOMINATION DEADPOOL

Here’s the deal. I’m going to throw out my predictions and you throw yours into the mix. Then we’ll see down the line who comes closest and wins a lovely prize, yet to be determined.*

Here we go:

The Simpsons

Story so far: Currently on its “epic 16th season” and having just reached episode 350, this adorably dysfunctional family has warmed the hearts of America and played its part as a modern cultural icon since the early nineties. It’s come a long way from the crude drawings on the "Tracey Ullman Show" that launched this wonderful journey.

Future outlook: The very naming of the “epic 16th season” shows that even the creators are a little tongue in cheek about how this show just keeps on trucking, despite the fact that the plots are largely incoherent. We all love "The Simpsons." Don’t get me wrong. But let’s be honest – even a pack of super smart Harvard kids can’t seem to solve the problem of how Marge and friends managed to pull the entire town together in a mock trial against Homer and Bart’s confidence schemes without ending the episode in a random surfing outing.

How much longer it should have: If it was like the old days, it should go on forever. But like this, I give it 2 more seasons.

How much longer it will have: They’ve got to make a movie at some point, which will be a good ending point. I think it will happen around season 20 so they can end on a round number. That means 4 more seasons.


American Dad

Story until now: Where did this come from? Oh yes…Fox is now madly in love with Seth McFarlane again after shunning him for so many years and so many times. Why? Because it appears he’s a bit of a cash cow as of late. And if Rupert Murdoch loves one thing, it is cash. And then maybe cows. So how to capitalize off of this? Bring back "Family Guy?" No, more than that. Have Seth make another show to air right next to it.

Future outlook: The story of a right-wing, war-mongering CIA dad and his family is very topical and interesting, but it’s quite easy to see this is "Family Guy" with a different skin. Replace the rather gay character of Stewie with the rather gay character of the alien, the mother-loving character of Brian with the mother-loving character of the goldfish, change the girl to the cool one and the boy to the nerd, and that’s what you’ve got. The father is still an insensitive chauvinist and the mother still the downtrodden, yet buxom, housewife. It’s clear this show was made to capitalize of Seth’s name, not to be a new quality show.

How much longer it should have: Until the end of the summer when Fox can replace it with "Arrested Development" again.

How much longer it will have: I suppose it depends on how bored the Nielsen families are. I can’t imagine people will be watching this show too much…but I give it a little into mid-season after the summer.


Family Guy

Story so far: This truly wonderful show was born on the Fox network, only be thrown off. Twice. Fox really likes to push the envelope with its shows, unless of course they are sexually provocative (the OC is really not that provocative) or providing satire of the religion of a majority of network executives. Banished to the underworld, the show resurfaced on the Cartoon Network’s growing Adult Swim lineup, which is so popular that Aqua Teen Hunger Force is now a household name. The cult audience drove DVD sales of the show through the roof, and once the green starts flowing, good ol’ Rupert starts to get excited. So what should you do? Bring the show back to Fox!

Future outlook: Clearly a cult audience on Adult Swim, a cable channel, will translate into widespread viewership across the nation on broadcast network TV. No worries of course about the past “Boobgate” regulation of the airways. No, no. Fox can put up all the disclaimers it wants, but the nation as a whole is probably not the same audience as on Adult Swim. Not to mention the fact they’re going to have to tone it down for broadcast, and the fact that Fox will make Seth McFarlane draw until his fingers break off. The first episode was amazing, but Fox’s shameless milking of this show for all the money it can will likely drown out the glimmer of hope.

How much longer it should have: If it keeps up being as funny as it was before and as funny as the first episode this season, it should go on for freakin’ ever.

How much longer it will have: As long as they don’t make another “forbidden” episode about Judaism and the middle-America Fox New Channel fans don’t flip out, then it may even make it 2 or 3 more seasons. But since both of those things are unlikely to happen, I give it 1 more season.


There it is folks. Now your turn. Will we see another OC? Or will these new shows head the way of “Firefly” and “Fastlane?” Only time and our dear friend Rupe from down-under can tell.


*Prize will probably not be that lovely.

Swimming in a pool of celebrity

People often come to LA in hopes of seeing someone famous. I know when I first got here it was pretty exciting to catch a glimpse of a celebrity here and there: David Schwimmer at the Arclight, Rob Thomas at Universal City Walk, a very unshaven and unkempt Val Kilmer at Mel’s during the ill-fated run of his debut on the legitimate stage. After a while you come to see that they really are just other people on the street who happened to get someone to point a camera at them.

But when you run into such a high concentration of celebrities at once like I did yesterday, then it can start to move even the hardest of jaded Angeleno hearts.

Casey works at GLAAD (the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation...say that ten times fast) and every year they have their GLAAD Media Awards in Los Angeles so that the gay population with all its disposable income can get together to proclaim what amazing advances the gay community has had, mixed in with commiseration about how far backwards the gay community has gone. I think by the end of the show we were somewhere near where we started. Overall it turned out to be a great show and a lot of fun. Where else do you get to see Felicity Huffman plant a big, juicy, wet one on Marcia Cross?

Casey is the volunteer manager for GLAAD and since he’s a good guy and it seemed like a fun event, I offered to help out. He was very kind and assigned me to guard the door of the private celebrity reception room where the red carpet was set up and the hors d’oeuvres were making their rounds. The press came in and set up, which was almost a more entertaining event than the actual celebrity arrivals themselves. Some girl spilled another guy’s coffee and he yelled at everyone in the room for quite a while saying some things that are, by most human standards, not generally acceptable in public. But once they were done, in came the famous people.

There were some impressive celebrities that came through the door. The Fab Five was there in all its glory (Kyan just smiled and pretended nothing was wrong even though he hasn’t returned ANY of my phone calls), Felicity Huffman made her way along, nearly falling on her face though when her publicist stepped on her train, and John Stamos ran through the carpet without stopping for pictures like he was the hottest thing in town. I guess no one told him that “Full House” is over and “Jake in Progress” is nothing to write home about. But then there was Liza Minelli. I didn’t actually see this but Chris, who is madly in love with her, was watching with eager eyes as she entered the room, smiled for a few pictures, then freaked out and had to be escorted away. She came back and did the carpet, sang during the show (after being introduced by Brittany Murphy and Mandy Moore, I might add) and then left the theatre on someone’s shoulder, crying. Oh Liza, Liza. No more pills and booze dear.

After the show, Carla, Jill, Chris and I went looking for Brendan Frasier since Carla was determined to make a pass at him and he kept avoiding her. We were reminded that we had managed to finagle all-access passes and we should barge in on the VIP dinner to find him. He wasn’t visible amongst the crowd, but we did see that one gay kid from “Real World: Philadelphia” and any number of Bravo, MTV, and other “gay” network executives. If only I brought that script I wrote and that student film I shot.

After admitting defeat, the four of us continued on to a party that Chris’ boyfriend told us about. In attendance was one guy who everyone kept saying looked a lot like Corey from “Boy Meets World.” I was pretty sure it wasn’t him, although they did look alike. After people kept asking and I was starting to get dares to encourage this stranger into doing something unsavory, I finally went up to him in my friendly-drunk way and told him we thought he looked a lot like the kid. He said he was getting a lot of that and laughed it off. He introduced himself as Ben.

So it wasn’t him. Ha! Until the guy who had come with some friends of mine told me I had no tact. This guy was obsessed with TV and knew everything about it, so he knew the name of the actor on the show was Ben Savage. Ben...Ben Savage. I guess that means I did rub shoulders with a famous kid, even if I wasn’t sure of it at the time and I’m still not even convinced. But if he was, I suppose I should have taken one of those dares.

Then my strange celebrity encounters continued into the following morning. I was leaving my apartment to meet Courtney for Sunday brunch (like you do) before she left town again and some creepy guy down the stairs asked if I knew which of these apartments was the former home of Motley Crue. Of course I didn’t, but now my curiosity was peaked. Reading this article in London’s Guardian confirms that while it is unlikely they lived in my exact building, they were most certainly my neighbors. Clark Street, fifty meters from the Whisky, cockroach infested…sounds about right.

So there you are everyone. Celebrities really are just as entertaining in person as you might think. Perhaps some day someone will point a camera at any of us and we will be so fortunate to receive an incoherent introduction by Brittany Murphy at some impressive event. A guy can only dream.